For as long as I could remember I have always wanted to create. To create programs, to create art, to create ideas -- to just create! And these creations never had to be in any creative or even practical capacity. Hell, they don't even have to be good or useful in anyway. There lay an incredible feeling of joy in my ability to make something that did not exist before.
Stemming from these notions, it always seemed to me that the natural state of my progression would be towards entrepreneurship. These were folks who were the ultimate creators. From nothing but sweat, blood, and tears their ideas were turned into tangible goods and services that have added some sort of value to thousands if not millions of lives.
And now here I am, in San Francisco trying to do just that. I, along with a good friend of mine, are in two well-known accelerators in the heart of city. We are turning what have been grand visions, grand ideas, and grand delusions into something more tangible. And while the honeymoon period hasn't quite ended, the stress and the fear is bubbling up.
I feel the pressure, under more scrutiny,
and what I do? Act more stupidly.
I always felt a tinge of what I would later find out to be called the imposter syndrome. For most of my life I have felt lucky. Lucky to have parents who have looked out for me, lucky to have been placed in crazy opportune moments, lucky to have gathered the skills that placed me in the very position I am now. Behind all this luck, there lies doubt. Doubt that someday that luck which has brought me so much will finally run out. It's a truly terrifying thought.
Every extra slice of success adds to the tension. Parents expect more. Friends expect more. People expect more. And perhaps worse of all, I expect more. Its easy to see how it can all go wrong, but what happens when it all goes right?
All for freedom and for pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world.
Demo day is a long ways away. A lot can happen between now and then. Everyone is currently all hopped on energy and the newness of it all. The impending crunch is barely on the horizon.
Looking back, I felt it would be interesting to document the ups and downs over the next couple months. Writing helps put the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions into something coherent. At the very least it'll be therapeutic. Maybe someone out there will find it useful. Maybe someone else in the same situation will stumble upon this and feel some sort of solidarity. All I know is that there is a vast unknown in front of me and a long difficult journey ahead.
But boy is it exciting.∎